so i said i was quitting...

...to scrapbook.....BUT i guess not! maybe a little here and there....just for fun! SO, since my christmas post, i celebrated my 32nd(woah!!!) birthday, emme's first and eb's 4th valentine's day, anderson's 36(woah!!!) birthday, and sweet emme girl's FIRST birthday! i'm about to be done with the downer that i call work and i am TOO excited about spending every second of my short summer with eb and emme, oh-and anderson and millie, too!

i do want to write really quickly about a bit of a personal battle that i am fighting. you may actually know about this anyway, even though i haven't spoken of it to many people, and i haven't officially written about it. iiiiiiiiiii, have graves disease. yep, i'm 32 and i have an autoimmune disease! i won't die(i don't think!). this is treatable. this is curable 1 in 5. this will be a coincedence for me. it will not be hereditary. eb and emme won't stand a chance of developing this. i am extremely unlucky, and extremely BLESSED all at the same time. RIGHT?!??!?!?!??!?! thank you Lord that this is all that i have. RIGHT?!?! i have had many emotions through this....i'm mad, then i'm sad, i'm embarrassed, then i'm ok, i'm scared, then i'm not, i'm laughing, then i want to hit a wall! the comfort phrase i have heard the most is "be thankful it's not cancer, atleast yours is treatable". so true, but easier said than done. this IS hard for me. i use to have major panic attacks, then i learned how to talk myself out of them. i have pretty much been able to take full control of anything physical that i've ever needed or wanted to. well not this. i AM scared. i AM better. i don't cry all the time and i don't feel as sorry for myself as i did when i was first diagnosed. but still, i AM scared. as i write, my hands and legs are shaking. my teeth have a small chatter. my eyes feel gritty, itchy and irritated. my vision is a bit blurry and i have to squint occasionally to focus. i am burning up. my heart still races, skips, and pounds, races, skips, then pounds. my resting heart rate is still around 100. i suck down 7 pills a day. 6 anti-thyroid, and a 50 mg beta blocker to control what i call the "crack addict" symptoms. it sucks! the beta blocker starts wearing off about 7 p.m.-that's why i'm having the crack addict symptoms right now. BUT, i am better! really, i am. i will beat this! if i am lucky enough to have gotten it, then i can be lucky enough to get rid of it! do pray for me, please. i am not as emotional now, my piti-party is coming to an end. i was put on our prayer list at church( i wasn't sure about this bc that means that i'll receive lots of attention), i'm writing openly about my disease(jeez, sounds awful!)...all of which are HUGE for me! i really don't like to complain about being sick. i've toughed out many sicknesses before without saying a word to anyone but anderson because complaning and letting others know that i am sick makes me feel like i'm a hypochondriac! this IS embarrassing for me. i didn't break my arm, i acquired an autoimmune disease with the most deadly and disgusting sounding name ever! my eyeballs may very well look as though they will literally pop out of my head one day(see, now you'll always be looking=embarrassing!). thank the Lord i've always had very "asian looking" squinty eyes. my nickname in highschool was "weez dawn chung!", pretty creative use of my wdc inititals, huh! my dr. said this definitely works to my advantage! i was suppose to have lost nearly 30 pounds because my metabolism is ridiculously high.....NOPE, NOT ME! i've been as hungry as 600 pound man. i've been eating for about 5 months straight! this happens to only a fraction of people diagnosed with graves...go figure! once again, sucks! if i'm going to have a disease then i should atleast have the opportunity to get skinny! *$%*!#$%^%$#& *%#$%^&*!!!!!! graves disease affects less than 1% of the population. graves disease is a type of autoimmune disease that causes over-activity of the thyroid gland, causing hyperthyroidism. the thyroid gland helps set the rate of metabolism, which is the rate at which the body uses energy. when the thyroid is too active, it makes more thyroid hormones than the body needs. high levels of thyroid hormones can cause side effects such as weight loss(whatever!!!), rapid heart rate and nervousness(crack addict symptoms!). this is an uncommon disease that affects only 2 percent of all women at some time in their lives. mainly during the birthing years. it is very uncommon in men. one of the first things i did after my diagnosis was to Google celebrities with graves disease. barbara and george bush sr. both have graves disease(extremely rare!). many celebrities have thyroid issues. i personally know 4 people with some type of thyroid issue. but, they don't have an autoimmune disease. there goes me having my pity party again! you see, graves disease caused my hyperthroidism. you can have hyperthyroidism, and not graves. but if you have graves, you're gonna have hyperthyroid. a hyperthyroid is much more dangerous than a hypothyroid. i will eventually become hypothyroid(because we are in the process of killing of my thyroid now) and will have to take a daily hormone supplement. i will have no metabolism and will struggle even more with my weight than i do know. i will however admit that if you're gonna have an autoimmune disease, this (graves) is the one to have! in comparrison to the others, this is much less severe if treated properly. the biggest fear i have is heart issues. i have a mitrovalve prolapse regurgitation...so the racing, pounding, skipping heart that graves disease gave me is a bit terrifying. "nonetheless", i know one thing for sure. getting over my own fear of personally accepting and discussing this disease amongst family members and friends was the best thing that could have happened to me. it has taken a bit of time to be fully open about it. thank you ALL for being SO supportive, caring, loving and concerned. i know you are praying for us! i do! i have had a handfull of folks come to me and say "hey, i just want to pray with you for a second"....wow! i have received cards, inspirational quotes, texts of bible verses to go and read, inspirational books, hugs, calls, and prayers beyond what i'm sure i'll ever really know. thank you, thank you, thank you. i will beat this. my prayer is that i will be the best mommy that i can be, and that God sees fit for eb and emme not to inherit this if it is His will.

and so, my "really quick" write-turned in to a book! thanks for reading! next post=my sweet emme's first birthday party!!!!